Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Debate advice for Kerry

Since I previously described the extreme pressure on Kerry for the first debate {"Hey Johnny - don't choke!"}, it seems only fair, in the balanced and bipartisan tradition I have tried to establish for, lo, these last four days, that I pass along some tips for him, courtesy of BlameBush!:

[Click the link to read the whole thing, John. If you can't figure it out, call Al Gore. He isn't doing anything].

First, I recommend you begin the debate by immediately sucking the air out of the room. Bush will try to loosen things up, crack jokes, and give the debates a casual, more folksy tone. Don't let him! Once you let the Shrub start speaking to the audience like he's the friendly neighbor who borrows their lawn mower on weekends, they'll go into sensory overload and shut down whenever you start patronizing them like the ignorant children they really are. Indeed, allowing Bush to connect with the viewing audience was Gore's fatal mistake in 2000. Therefore, it is vitally important that you kick things off by reminding everyone of how miserable they are - how the economy is the tank, the environment is on the brink of collapse, and the war in Iraq is all but lost. Use ominous words like "quagmire", "squandered", and "Terayza" to pull a dark shroud of gloom over the evening. Have the stage crew dim the lights whenever you speak, and utter your bromides in a deep, forboding baritone. As long as you maintain a sense of hopelessness and doom throughout the debates, you'll be in your own element. Likewise, anything optimistic Bush says will make him look out of touch.

Secondly, you must stay on the offensive concerning Iraq. You have a keen sense of 20/20 hindsight, so use it to point out all that's gone wrong with the war. The Abu Ghraib atrocities, for instance (and be sure you refer to them as 'atrocities'). Point out that if you were calling the shots, you would have allotted extra resources to provide sensitivity training for the troops, and educate them concerning the Geneva convention and international law.

You should definitely read the whole thing; it's a hoot!

Note though, that Lincoln is on the five dollar bill, not the ten. Hamilton is on the ten, and is much better looking.


Blogger Rob said...

That Liberal Larry has seventeen degrees from UC Berkeley. If he says that Lincoln is on the ten, then Lincoln is on the ten.

September 29, 2004 at 3:15 PM  

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